Friday, December 30, 2011

December to December

I certainly didn’t wake up this morning to find myself in the current state of mind that I am in, and I hadn’t anticipated on breezing through my old notes and taking a mental trip back to this time last year, December to be exact. And as November is drawing to a close and we are on the brink of stepping into the new month, I found it rather convenient, so to speak, to have re-read that note on this particular day, which I had left idle and untouched for a fairly long time. It was a note I had written about my longing to go home for Christmas last year…and the conversation I had with my best friend last night, compelled me to put pen to paper.

December 2010…even just the mention of it brings back a flood of memories, which sometimes, to be honest, makes me long for a really bad memory. I would always, unfortunately, remember it as a time that demanded both emotional turmoil and physical toil. I was faced with one of the most important exams of my life, and at the same time I had to put on a brave face that belied my inner anguish. If it weren’t for the strength and comfort that I found in the strangest of places (of which I still am, and would always be grateful) I don’t know where the confusion would’ve led me. December came and went, just like any other month, and I had embraced the New Year with the hope that things would turn out for the better. But the New Year was just another chain of days that were a continuation of the old ones.

The good news came…one by one…and thank God they came. I will never understand what I had done right to deserve all the blessings I’d received even though I was constantly grumbling and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t remember giving any special effort worth blessing, but I was thankful nonetheless.

Just as the winter chill had faded, summer came with the unexpected…and the bad times came like a raging ocean that kept forcing the relentless waves in rapid succession, towards the shore, breaking and dragging away everything it could. Mildly put, it was a severe blow to one’s dignity and foundation of trust. It is something that should never happen to any normal, self-respecting girl. The sharp edges of the pain that cut through were something I had hoped would only get blunt with time. The best thing I could do to escape the engulfing storm was to run away as far as possible, to move further away from the unsettling shores where the waves could no longer do any harm. So I did just that. It wasn’t easy, running away from a storm that wouldn’t allow you to escape its unyielding grip. I could only choose to be stubborn and walk in the opposite direction, braving the winds that were trying to blow me back to the shore.

As I scan through the various states of emotions I had undergone between then and now with inevitable hesitation, I realize the rough patches have now been overshadowed by all the good that came out of it. I’d be a fool not to realize just how blessed I am, and to linger on the darker days would serve no useful purpose. I knew I wasn’t alone through all of this. I saw the beautiful rays of hope that were shining through the clouds, leading me to safety. Hope came in the form of family, friends, and strength came through something much more special. If it weren’t for these pillars of support, I can’t imagine just how I would’ve found my way out.

I’m glad to say things took a turn for the better, and autumn followed, with its gentle nudge to move me forward. Just like the trees shedding their old, yellow leaves to make room for new, vibrant foliage, the memories of summer started to wither away, the old leaves of hurt and pain carried away by the winds of autumn, giving way for the happiness that was reaching out a patient hand.

So now, here I am…winter, facing the December of 2011 with new hope that it would be a world away from the previous one. I know I can’t downplay these feelings of hesitation, or brush away the apprehensions of uncertainty, because the chill is all too familiar. But I can still Hope…hope to be happy, hope to be at peace with the past, hope to find more reasons to be thankful, and hope to enjoy a wonderful Christmas with the people that matter the most. It is not my intent to tell a sob-story, or to earn pity…but rather to acknowledge that fact that I’d come so far, and that I had overcome so much with strength I never knew I had within me. I’m glad to be where I am today…with regard to personal achievements and state of mind. But even though a lot has changed in between these two Decembers, there’s just one thing that still remains the same…I sure as hell still want to go home so badly!!.....:(

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