TEARS...

“Tears are but the brain reminding you that you have a heart”…I couldn’t agree more to this quote I remembered from my old book of quotations.
I didn’t just remember it; it came as a sort of revelation to me.
I cried a lot today…I was in a variety of moods that kept changing from one moment to the next. I think I cried, mostly because I was feeling sorry for myself, and not because I was physically hurt or anything. I felt alone and helpless. You can never predict how a few words can crush you so terribly!

I admit it’s my own fault that I get tangled up into these troubles of mine; I made my own choices. Sometimes I think they were mistakes, sometimes I don’t. Even if they were indeed mistakes, I’d gladly own up to them myself. But in the hardest times that I’d gone through, I had been able to endure the pain of it all, because I would constantly remind myself that it was a really bad nightmare, and that one day I would wake up from it all!

As those irrepressible tears streamed down my face, I suddenly came to a realization that even though my body ached with the mental pain, my heart was still intact- safe and untouched, locked away in a special place inside me that hasn’t been opened up yet! I know it’s unfair to feel so (because of reasons I can’t disclose)...but I have an unfathomable faith that my future hasn’t been written on stone, and that I make my own life story as I go.

I was grateful that my tears didn’t hold back to suppress my emotions, because I was reminded of the fact that, crushed as was, I still had a heart that was pulsating with life inside me, and I was still in one piece…alive! And I believe with that very beating heart that today’s pain will be yesterday’s memory, and that is what makes me look beyond the tears and ready for tomorrow’s unpredictable surprises!

dear diary...

Today was a day of full relaxation-no more being buried in my practical record books, waking up at the wee hours of the morning that still seemed like mid-night from the looks of it, with blood-shot eyes in a semi-conscious state,and having a hard time distinguishing between the dreams from the real stuff- because my final practical exams got over yesterday, which i feel obliged to declare, is a complete and utter relief!! that was a real pain in the neck...six consecutive days of exams, with barely any room for a breath of fresh, 'non-exam' air, trapped in the labs with all those funny smelling chemicals, smiling your best smile in front of the examiner to improve your chances of getting more than a big zero, struggling to finish an experiment within the limited amount of time while you're sweating bullets under that multi-stained piece of clothing which was probably once upon a time was a sparkly white lab-coat!!! oh, did i mention my exam was from 27th Feb to 4th march, and not even a break on Sunday!! talk about too much!

But now, those tight strings have loosened up, and my worn out muscles are relaxed enough for me to stand up straight again! yet, relieved as i may be at the moment, i still have a Herculean task ahead of me-jumping over the hurdles of my final exams, passing which i would be a full fledged graduate! me likes the sound of that. My whole darned future will be determined by my performance in this exam, so yeah, no tension there...as if i don't have enough to worry about already...like this really big zit on my face which i believe is growing bigger by the minute, or this boiling heat that's hot enough to make you understand what the fiery depths of hell would feel like!! but there is just no way to escape this net of destiny that's strung all around me, so i might as well get up, shake off the dust in my shoes, and embark on another obligatory marathon of studying!! yeah, good luck breaking this news-flash to my passive brain!! :))

nostalgia

Along comes a new month, and the only thing I can feel right now is a mild case of Panic. Panic- because we’ve already arrived at the third month of this new year (just where did the time go??), panic- because I have my final exams [the exam that’s gonna determine a very significant percentage of my future], and panic- mostly because the time in my hands is slipping away so fast, and I can’t really declare that I’d put my lost time to good use. It feels like only yesterday, but it has almost been three years, since I started college. It wouldn't be so wrong to say that my perspectives, my views on life and the world around me, back then and as of now, have changes considerably. The two graduation parties we had served as wake up calls that told me my college days were over. I think I am now starting to fully understand the confusions, and the conflicting thoughts and challenges that life tends to bring…and it sure does come in a heck of a package. I realize I have a whole lot of thinking to do about my life and where I want to be, like ten years from now! And believe me that’s a challenge, because I still have a mountain of a task ahead of me-preparing for my oncoming exams, of which I have had no initiative whatsoever!

My two best friends who’re in another city called me up a few days back, and we as usual, blabbered on about nothing for quite a while. And I am now still dealing with the nostalgic feeling that accompanies long talks with old friends. All I can think about now are my old days in high school, which, on my list of the “best days of my life” are right up there. We talked about little trivial stuff, mostly typical girl stuff, which made me realize that even though we have moulded our docile spirits to conform to our present situations and in our own ways coped with our present lives; we hadn’t changed one little bit! We’re all still the silly girls who giggle at everything, shout at each other at every little opportunity, and inevitably talk about our old days in high school…that never was and never will be an insignificant topic. We can never leave that out, because that’s where we found each other, brought together by some mysterious, yet wonderful twist of fate, to which I will be eternally grateful.

To be honest, I am consistently plagued by a melancholic feeling, as I come in terms with the fact of reality that the past will remain the past. No more going back to high school, living with our carefree, reckless teenage spirits, without a care in the world, when the future seemed a distant and far off entity. My hesitations of taking the steps into my future inevitably sends me back to those days of fun and frolicking, because now I am on my own, facing my future head on, tête-à-tête…with no turning back and no time to waste. I don’t think anyone can blame me for being so apprehensive (unless he/she is being hypocritical), and I hope it’s only natural…

All I have left now are the photographs and the vivid memories that still linger somewhere in the corners of my mind. I gather these fragments of memories, the remains of the blissful moments and put together the pieces of time, which otherwise would be gone forever with the past. I hold on to them the best way that my only limited human brain would allow, hoping that they will provide some sort of consolation, even in their smallest measure, to my lingering nostalgia.