or here for a panned out view...same thing though :)...
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
or here for a panned out view...same thing though :)...
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
I certainly didn’t wake up this morning to find myself in the current state of mind that I am in, and I hadn’t anticipated on breezing through my old notes and taking a mental trip back to this time last year, December to be exact. And as November is drawing to a close and we are on the brink of stepping into the new month, I found it rather convenient, so to speak, to have re-read that note on this particular day, which I had left idle and untouched for a fairly long time. It was a note I had written about my longing to go home for Christmas last year…and the conversation I had with my best friend last night, compelled me to put pen to paper.
December 2010…even just the mention of it brings back a flood of memories, which sometimes, to be honest, makes me long for a really bad memory. I would always, unfortunately, remember it as a time that demanded both emotional turmoil and physical toil. I was faced with one of the most important exams of my life, and at the same time I had to put on a brave face that belied my inner anguish. If it weren’t for the strength and comfort that I found in the strangest of places (of which I still am, and would always be grateful) I don’t know where the confusion would’ve led me. December came and went, just like any other month, and I had embraced the New Year with the hope that things would turn out for the better. But the New Year was just another chain of days that were a continuation of the old ones.
The good news came…one by one…and thank God they came. I will never understand what I had done right to deserve all the blessings I’d received even though I was constantly grumbling and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t remember giving any special effort worth blessing, but I was thankful nonetheless.
Just as the winter chill had faded, summer came with the unexpected…and the bad times came like a raging ocean that kept forcing the relentless waves in rapid succession, towards the shore, breaking and dragging away everything it could. Mildly put, it was a severe blow to one’s dignity and foundation of trust. It is something that should never happen to any normal, self-respecting girl. The sharp edges of the pain that cut through were something I had hoped would only get blunt with time. The best thing I could do to escape the engulfing storm was to run away as far as possible, to move further away from the unsettling shores where the waves could no longer do any harm. So I did just that. It wasn’t easy, running away from a storm that wouldn’t allow you to escape its unyielding grip. I could only choose to be stubborn and walk in the opposite direction, braving the winds that were trying to blow me back to the shore.
As I scan through the various states of emotions I had undergone between then and now with inevitable hesitation, I realize the rough patches have now been overshadowed by all the good that came out of it. I’d be a fool not to realize just how blessed I am, and to linger on the darker days would serve no useful purpose. I knew I wasn’t alone through all of this. I saw the beautiful rays of hope that were shining through the clouds, leading me to safety. Hope came in the form of family, friends, and strength came through something much more special. If it weren’t for these pillars of support, I can’t imagine just how I would’ve found my way out.
I’m glad to say things took a turn for the better, and autumn followed, with its gentle nudge to move me forward. Just like the trees shedding their old, yellow leaves to make room for new, vibrant foliage, the memories of summer started to wither away, the old leaves of hurt and pain carried away by the winds of autumn, giving way for the happiness that was reaching out a patient hand.
So now, here I am…winter, facing the December of 2011 with new hope that it would be a world away from the previous one. I know I can’t downplay these feelings of hesitation, or brush away the apprehensions of uncertainty, because the chill is all too familiar. But I can still Hope…hope to be happy, hope to be at peace with the past, hope to find more reasons to be thankful, and hope to enjoy a wonderful Christmas with the people that matter the most. It is not my intent to tell a sob-story, or to earn pity…but rather to acknowledge that fact that I’d come so far, and that I had overcome so much with strength I never knew I had within me. I’m glad to be where I am today…with regard to personal achievements and state of mind. But even though a lot has changed in between these two Decembers, there’s just one thing that still remains the same…I sure as hell still want to go home so badly!!.....:(
Saturday, September 5, 2009
“So I guess this is it then?” he said in a rather soft monotone.
“Umm…yeah…i think so…” was all I could mutter for the moment. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t help it either, because I was unable to give him the answer he wanted to hear.
I had kinda known that this was coming, but I was hoping that it wouldn’t, because it was something that was gonna change our lives forever, something that would shake the very foundation of our friendship! And it would hurt us both, though not in the same way.
“Okay,” he said under his breath, “then can you at least see me off?” he asked reluctantly, refusing to make eye contact. I thought saw a sparkle of a tear in his eyes…was he crying?? I couldn’t tell for sure, as he was quick to turn away.
“Yeah, sure” I said awkwardly as I followed him out the door. He slowed down to match my pace as we went down the stairs. I could sense his hand trying to catch mine, but he thought otherwise and retracted his. My heart skipped a little, mainly because I foresaw the awkwardness that would result from that specific action. He was my friend and I couldn’t see him any other way. I felt the load of guilt that pressed down on me at having hurt someone I loved. Yes, I loved him because he was my friend, but the problem was that I wasn’t in love with him! All I could see in him was a caring, older brother I never had.
The awkward silence that persisted was no doubt uncomfortable but neither of us had anything to break the ice with. I guessed we were both contemplating the situation, but definitely not on the same frequency and wavelength. On my part, I was trying my best to come in terms with the facts of the reality, analyzing everything that had happened, and I questioned my own sanity. But of course, I was sure I made the right decision. Although I had no right to break my best friend’s heart I had no right to deceive him either, to lead him on and make him believe what he wanted to. I just couldn’t lie to myself. And I knew he was gonna be okay. He was a strong person, and this little crack in his wall wouldn’t deter him in any major way.
Finally, after what seemed like forever (though it was really only a minute or two) he finally looked up and said, ‘I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again anytime soon. I won’t be coming back home till I graduate. So….’ His voice trailed off. I managed to catch his eyes to my own; before he stared away at nothing in particular…the pain in his eyes told me it was deeper than I would ever be able to comprehend. “So this would be like a major goodbye then, for now at least??” I asked, unsure of myself. He just nodded slightly. And then, before I could make sense of anything, I suddenly found his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I was caught off guard, and tried to break free from his arms. But he tightened his grip, and gave a weak smile, that was deceived by his eyes. “Hey, this may be the last time well be seeing each other. Just say still!” he said in a tone that was too firm to sound friendly. He was determined to make me stay that way. And as uncomfortable as I was, I obliged. 'It’s nothing, just a friendly hug', I tried to convince myself, but failed miserably.
Nothing else was said until he hailed a taxi and before he got in, he carefully took my hand in his, looked deep into my eyes with a silent and pleading gaze that I would never forget. “Hope you don’t forget me” he said with a nervous smile, yet the urgency in his voice was more demanding than his expression. I mumbled something about a yes, and then something along the lines of a wish for a safe journey, and made my way back home with a pace that was more like flying than walking.
Everything had happened in a blur, nothing solid and fathomable. All I knew was that whatever it was, it was enough to alter the course of our friendship forever. And despite the effort that would be taken to conceal the damage that had been done to the pillars of our friendship, the cracks would still be there, that run deeper than the denial we both had to adhere to. Time would never be a healing factor, and nothing would ever be the same again!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I feel these four walls are closing in on me,
My books are open, my computer’s running,
But my mind is somewhere else, wandering…
Is it my fault that I’m dodging this task??
Or is just a moment’s rest too much to ask??
These questions are tough, not your cup of tea,
Bizarre disease names, like ‘acromegaly’,
And I’m stuck reading about the ‘missing link’
A tad too tough, when I can’t even think.
I try my best to rack my brain into action,
So I can figure out this chemical reaction!
My back’s starting to hurt, so are my eyes,
But I can’t stop now; I still have to revise…
Everything from earthworms to dinosaurs,
It’d be no surprise if it includes Minotaurs!
And proteins with millions of amino acids,
Make my stomach churn, I need an antacid!
This clock in front is ticking away my hours,
Why do I have to study reproduction in flowers?
Then I’m struggling with translation in a DNA,
Along with the diseases caused by retro-viridae!
Now what’s with the analysis of animal pedigrees,
And the diminutive details of bumblebees?!
This heat is doing nothing to improve the situation,
At best, it’s causing bouts of dehydration…
Here I am studying about kinds of mosquitoes,
When all they cause is scars from my knees to toes!
Complicated is this structure of the human kidney,
And suddenly I feel a really strong urge to pee!!
But whine and grumble as I may, I can’t deny
The beauty of science…a few explanations why…
The wonder of life that springs from a single cell,
To the forces in a magnet where like poles repel,
The details that are embedded in genes so intricately,
That cause special resemblances in each of our families!
Who can forget the beauty that lies in a rainbow??
And now we know what makes fireflies glow…
Advancements in medicines that help in saving lives,
Who otherwise, wouldn’t have had any chances to survive!
So just who am I to grumble on my part??
Because in science lies the beauty of God’s art!
Friday, May 22, 2009
It all began on an ordinary day, a day like any other (the exact date to which I can’t be specific due to a certain lapse of time…let’s just say a few years back!) It was here in Hyderabad, and my dad and I were supposed to pick up my little sister for the weekend holidays from her new boarding school in the evening after 7p.m, which was the only time the school authorities would allow her to leave the school campus. So after a little shopping for basic necessities (like clothes, cosmetics, etc.etc…i.e. for my dad…Lol) to pass the time, we took an auto and started on our way to the school, which I might add, is situated at the outskirts of the city. It was a really long drive, which was worsened by the heavy traffic, and we moved forward inch by inch, in insignificant paces! After what seemed like forever, with the heat blowing against our dust and grime covered faces, and wind-struck hair - a commonplace result of auto rides (well me at least…my dad has short hair, but you’ve probably guessed that much), we managed to reach outside of the city limits. The roads there were kind of desolate and the traffic, obviously, thinned out.
And here’s the best part!! As luck would have it, at the most desolate part of the road, our auto ran out of gas and wheezed to death on the side of the road!! Even though we laugh about it now, it was sooooo not funny back then. It was just me, my dad and the driver, standing at the side of the road in the darkness, only to be brought into contact with light when a car or two passed us by. I wasn’t scared, but I wasn’t comfortable either! Worst case scenario, we would need to walk on with all the baggage until we got an auto again. At least my dad was there. And as we stood there helpless, hoping for an auto to come by, my dad must’ve been praying, coz after like a matter of 3 or 4 minutes, an auto already carrying one passenger, stopped in front of us, maybe to ask what the matter was, or maybe he took pity on our plight coz it must’ve been quite a sight-two Chinese-looking people with a Telugu auto-driver, different faces but with the same helpless and mildly panic-stricken expressions standing on the side of the road with a non-functional auto parked awkwardly beside them, at around 9pm at night. Our auto driver spoke quickly with the other driver, and told him where we were headed, probably in Telugu or Hindi, coz my dad and I wouldn’t have been able to present our cases in those languages (we were that much fluent in those as we were in Finnish…lol).
And so, the other driver agreed to take us on board, but told us that we were not going his direction per se, and that he would take us as far as possible, so that we could take another auto from there. Gratefully, we hopped in, and a few miles later, we seemed to have entered a civilized world again, and the auto-driver directed us as to where we could find another auto. When we got off, my dad asked him how much he would charge us, but to our surprise, he denied any offer of money that my dad was trying to give him. He wouldn’t take a cent. By normal auto fares, the ride would’ve cost at least 40 bucks! As we stood there, still offering him the money for his generosity, he spoke to another driver who was standing nearby and told him where we wanted to go, and before we could force the money on him, at least for his generosity, or thank him, he quickly drove away empty handed.
My dad and I just exchanged a surprised glance, before we got into the other auto and went on our way. The ride to the school was short from there, but it was a bit late into the night, way past nine p.m, and so the main gate to the campus was already locked, with a gatekeeper standing nearby. As we stood there explaining to the gatekeeper why we’d come there, he told us to talk to the hostel warden before he would allow us inside. That was kind of impossible since the warden couldn’t pick up her damned phone which must’ve been ringing off the hook due to our constant redialing. A surprising thing she didn’t hear anything. And we couldn’t have possibly called my little sister who secretly kept a phone with her despite school rules forbidding cell phones, or she could kiss her new phone goodbye!! And as we were negotiating with the gatekeeper to the best of our abilities, wonders of wonders, a car came up to the gate from the main road…and guess who was in that car?? The vice principal of the school!! He stopped the car, rolled down the window, and spoke to us two strangers that were in unprogressive conversation with the gatekeeper.
We, then, presented our case to this treasure of a man, and he then gave us permission to enter the campus and proceed towards the hostel. We called my sister to inform her of our arrival, after which she persuaded her warden to allow her to leave. She got the required permission, (even though I was sure her warden was a bit skeptical as to how my sister would’ve known our arrival, as she was oblivious to the fact that she was in possession of a cell phone) and there we were, the three of us, united again, with the spirit of happy rejoicing…or maybe not, but we were certainly glad to get her out after our long and tedious journey.
With our mission accomplished, we then headed back to the guest house where we were staying, and none of the matters of the previous journey lingered in my head, up until the part where I heard my dad mention to one of his friends about how we had encountered three ‘Angels’ on our journey that particular night. I was caught off-guard as I pondered over the little details of that night, and was a bit confused. Angels?? Really? i tried to recall everything i could and nope, i was certain we did not see any heavenly visions with extraordinary bright light shining on us from the heavens above.
Then I heard my dad explain. The three ‘angels’ he was talking about were none other than the kind auto driver who had given us a ride for free, the vice principal of the school who had kindly allowed us to enter the campus so late at night, and the hostel warden, who gave permission to let my sister leave so late at night without so much as a complaint or a protest. I was amazed and awestruck by how my dad had viewed the whole thing, and it turned my whole perspective around. There I was, still holding on to my beliefs that ‘angels’ were heavenly creatures with wings that kept watch over us, and were confined to heaven, but what I never knew was that angels could also be normal people…people on earth that you encounter everyday, be it friends or family or even complete strangers-people who help you in little or significant amounts, show you little acts of kindness without expecting anything in return, and who stand by you in time of need!! How can we not regard these people as angels, for they truly watch over us in our most needed hours, because angels are supposed to do that, right??
So every time someone helps you in your time of need, be it just helping you up when you trip, or help you carry your bags that you couldn’t possibly carry alone, or even direct you the right way when you get lost, the smallest things that we often tend to take no notice of, remember to be thankful, privileged even, and realize that you were in the presence of ANGELS!!
“Little acts of kindness, little words of love,
Make the earth an Eden like the heaven above”
Monday, March 16, 2009
I didn’t just remember it; it came as a sort of revelation to me.
I cried a lot today…I was in a variety of moods that kept changing from one moment to the next. I think I cried, mostly because I was feeling sorry for myself, and not because I was physically hurt or anything. I felt alone and helpless. You can never predict how a few words can crush you so terribly!
I admit it’s my own fault that I get tangled up into these troubles of mine; I made my own choices. Sometimes I think they were mistakes, sometimes I don’t. Even if they were indeed mistakes, I’d gladly own up to them myself. But in the hardest times that I’d gone through, I had been able to endure the pain of it all, because I would constantly remind myself that it was a really bad nightmare, and that one day I would wake up from it all!
As those irrepressible tears streamed down my face, I suddenly came to a realization that even though my body ached with the mental pain, my heart was still intact- safe and untouched, locked away in a special place inside me that hasn’t been opened up yet! I know it’s unfair to feel so (because of reasons I can’t disclose)...but I have an unfathomable faith that my future hasn’t been written on stone, and that I make my own life story as I go.
I was grateful that my tears didn’t hold back to suppress my emotions, because I was reminded of the fact that, crushed as was, I still had a heart that was pulsating with life inside me, and I was still in one piece…alive! And I believe with that very beating heart that today’s pain will be yesterday’s memory, and that is what makes me look beyond the tears and ready for tomorrow’s unpredictable surprises!